Random Thoughts February 14, 2025

Mental Toughness

Earlier this week I watched the Fox Television Program, “Extracted.” For those who have never seen it, this is a reality game show where twelve amateur survivalists live on their own in the wilderness while family members watch back at their headquarters. The family can hear but cannot talk to the survivalists. If needed the family can hit an “extract” button to pull the survivalist out but that means the family misses out on $250,000.

I like watching competitions and am looking forward to the rest of the first season of Extracted but there were a couple of things that bothered me during the first two episodes. Just like on Survivor and other shows like this there is always someone, often a black person, who does not know how to swim. Blacks in America really should make sure our children learn how to swim, not just for survival competitions but for survival in life. There is also usually someone who is not mentally prepared for the competition. That was the case with the first person extracted on this show. When I see this I often wonder what that person thought they were getting themselves into.

I also find myself wondering if I am mentally tough enough to do something like that. A much younger version of me, to be honest, was not mentally tough enough. I probably would have quit the first time I faced any kind of hardship. I believe (I hope) I am different today. I don’t know for sure because I’ve never really faced that kind of hardship but I hope that I could. I don’t take any credit for this change as it is all work that God has done to help me overcome being lost in my mom’s alcoholism and all that comes with that. I have been changed and I thank God for healing me and setting me free.

Spiritually there is something I have to remember no matter the trial. God will provide what I need. I believe this would even apply if I was on a survival game show and in real life that helps me deal with the day to day. God is my provider

He Holds the Future

President Trump, with the help of Elon Musk and his Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), is doing exactly what he campaigned on: cutting government excess. I agree with the idea but I’m not comfortable with the process, which will have an indirect effect on my current day job. And as coworkers and people in the same industry (scientific research) share their (justified and very valid) fears, I am at peace. I’ve been here before: those situations where the future is cloudy. Each time God came through, opening the right doors and providing for my needs. This time will be no different. God holds the future!

Is It Constitutional?

I’m not sure if all that the president and his administration are doing is constitutional but I’m not the courts. I agree that we need a smaller government but I think the president may have skipped some steps. For example, the proposed cuts at NIH seem as if they were made without really talking with the stakeholders. Ultimately, I trust that things will work out and I don’t believe we will have the constitutional crises that some fear. Will the limits of executive power be tested? That has already happened and will continue but I believe that the system will work as designed.

Fly Eagles Fly

As I type this, the Philadelphia Eagles’ Parade of Champions is moving through the city of Philadelphia on its way to the Philadelphia Museum of Art. My day job did not fully open today as we knew the city would be crazy, so I worked from home. (Hey, my work email is still open and visible on my desktop.) Back when the Phillies won the World Series I made the mistake of going into work on parade day. My trip home took forever as I wound up leaving right as the parade ended. They expect 1 million fans in the city for the Eagles’ celebration. Looking at the crowd on television, I think that estimate might be a bit low.

Having lived in Philadelphia for quite some time I’ve come to understand Philly fans, having suffered a number of deep disappointments with them. But today is about a celebration and I thank the Eagles for bringing the Vince Lombardi Trophy home.

Congrats to the Eagles and to the city of Philadelphia!

By the way, the best Super Bowl Commercial was the Nike “Love, Hurts,” commercial that aired after the final gun.

Fear of Facing Our Own Shortcomings

I keep a journal where I have become comfortable with being brutally honest with myself. I am also in the habit of going back and reading old entries in this journal which means my younger self gets the chance to be brutally honest with me right now. This happened recently when I came across one of my journal entries in which I wrote about my own pride and my own insecurities. What stood out as I read my own writings was how easy it was to turn the focus on the actions of others. I even wrote a blog post in which I talked about how Christians should deal with someone else’s pride. And while I believe what I wrote on that post to be true, it left out something very important. Sometimes we’re the one with the pride problem or with some other character flaw. And while it is true that our brothers and sisters in Christ should prayerfully and patiently guide us, at some point, when confronted with our own shortcomings, we have to choose to surrender ourselves to the Lord and to allow Him to work in us to get rid of the problem.

My original post was called “Pride or Termites: How Christians Respond to the Problem” in which I described how pride often is a mask covering the real problem of insecurity. I described how we can deal with this real problem in the lives of others instead of knocking them down for the pride that is only a symptom of something bigger. But even if we are prayerfully in full alignment with God, the simple fact is that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. Likewise, a brother/sister in Christ can help you see you have a problem but they can’t make YOU do anything about it.

Back when I wrote the termite post I was ready to admit my own pride but I was not ready to do anything about it. It was much easier to turn the focus towards someone else in the form of, “this is what THEY should do,” with the “THEY” being the rest of the church. I should have been asking myself and writing about what I should do. I write this now because I believe this should be a routine aspect of the Chrisitian walk and I am being brutally honest with myself again. Instead of looking at others, Chistians (with an emphasis on me this time) should be talking about what we should do. What should I do when God reveals an area of pride in my own heart? It all starts with yielding to God and being the person He has created me to be.

There’s Nothing I Can Do About It

It was a show of blatant disrespect, the kind that people later try to justify because they know they are wrong. There I was trying to make what I thought was an important point but someone else kept talking over me. They felt that the point I was making didn’t apply at the time, even though later on someone else asked the very question I was trying to answer. Somehow the answer was important when the other person asked the question but wasn’t important when I, knowing the information was needed, tried to anticipate what would be asked. Later on the person tried to explain why they interrupted me, as if the explanation somehow made it less disrespectful.

Fortunately, God has done quite a bit of work on my heart. Having been brought up under the cloud of codependency, my old self would have reacted poorly. I would have started yelling or done something else that would have made me look like a fool. If I didn’t yell, I would have made some sort of passive aggressive comment when the question I was trying to answer was asked later on. Somehow I would have found a way to mess things up so that in the end all anyone would have talked about was my own immaturity instead of that of the person who was really at fault.

In the past if I somehow managed to hold my tongue I would have felt compelled to try to change how that person thinks about me: I would have tried to earn their respect. If I had lost it, I would have gone to grovel at the person’s feet, taking full responsibility for my wrong and for theirs. Why? Well that is a symptom of codependency. It’s a drive to get people to like and respect me while fixing problems that I didn’t create in the first place. Along with that, codependency tells me that I am usually wrong and the other person is right, even when they treat me (and others) poorly.

What I’ve learned over the years is that there are some people whose hearts are not in the right place. They have an agenda to push and they are going to do so no matter who gets embarrassed or even hurt. I can’t make people like that respect or even like me. I cannot do anything to make them treat me any differently. In fact, there is nothing I can do about it. But that does not let me off the hook. While I am not responsible for the actions of other people, I am responsible for how I respond. I am responsible for making sure that my heart is right and that, in the end, I can walk away knowing that I responded as God wants.

Boy Did I Mess Up: Struggles with Imposter Syndrome

I was way off my game and boy did I mess up. It happened as I was being challenged by an atheist. It came on a day when I was already feeling a little off and was not handling my own negative feelings very well. When the challenge came, I thought I could find a clever way to back away from the challenge. Instead of being clever, I misspoke and came up looking quite silly. By the end of the conversation I could only think of the line from the DC Talk song “What If I Stumble?” I truly missed my step and felt like I made fools of us all. My mistake was a reminder that as a Christian I do not have it all together and as I pointed out in “Are You An Imposter?,” I sometimes suffer from imposter syndrome.

I wish I could say that was the only time recently when I felt like a fake but I’ve even suffered imposter syndrome while at church. This time those feelings were triggered by two kinds of feedback. I was running the sound board at church during a time when we didn’t realize there was a problem with our speakers. I tried to compensate and, well, the end result was microphone feedback during two different services. After each occurrence I received critical feedback from church members, who meant well…I think. In the end I found myself doubting and once again wondering if I am a fake. This was yet another reminder that I do not have it all together.

I’d love to be able to say that when I became a Christian I was ready for everything that I would face. Looking back over my Christian life there have been plenty of times when I did something that resulted in sheer embarrassment and I’ve lost count of the number of times that those embarrassments came while trying to defend the faith. That’s not a reflection of who I am nor (when it involves the faith) is it a sign that what I believe isn’t true. It’s a sign that life often involves striking out. But a strikeout does not mean I’m an imposter. It means that if we take on big challenges, we will, from time to time, fail but that really is okay.

Sometimes You Just Need Some Time Off

February was a difficult month for me, a month where I felt like I needed more than 24 hours per day. I was very busy and even accomplished a thing or two, but I just couldn’t get to the tasks that I really wanted to do. In fact, my only accomplishments were ones that had deadlines. Everything else fell by the wayside. I did some writing but only where something was due. With no deadlines, my blog suffered neglect. (Thank you and sorry to those who kept checking in during the last few weeks.) Other than news and magazines, I did not do any real reading and it was hard to relax while watching my to-do list get longer. Unfortunately this is not the first time this has happened but this time around I knew exactly what I needed: time off.

For the record, this “time off” was not like my usual vacation time. I didn’t go anywhere or plan any special activities. I basically set aside a week where, for the most part, I hoped to avoid distractions. This of course meant a week away from the day job’s demands and the requirements that come with the position. This was a week where I could think without being bothered or write without being bothered or read or work on the house or…sit and do nothing…all without distractions. Fortunately, unlike the last couple of years, I have the house to myself (except for the cat) because there are no lockdowns or virtual school or any other reason for someone else to be home. It’s just me, the cat, a smart speaker, my thoughts and God.

Sometimes you just need some time off. I used my time for prayer and for time spent without distraction in order to allow God to bring me back into alignment with His will. I spent the time reminding myself of what is really important to me. My time off was like hitting a big reset button, clearing my mind so that I could think about the path I choose to take. I needed a week to catch my breath and to remind myself to keep breathing. And now I feel ready to live instead of just doing.

Sometimes you just need some time off. Just writing that makes me feel a whole lot better.

Looping Coasters and...What's Her Name?

As a codependent one of the first things to go was my ability to trust. Trust leaves you vulnerable and when you trust an alcoholic, as I did, trust wrecks your life. You quickly learn that being vulnerable can leave long lasting emotional injuries from which it seems impossible to heal. My most important relationship was too unpredictable and too full of pain for me to trust anyone else, including myself. So it was easier to just not trust anyone. In fact, as a child the only thing that I feared more than trusting someone was...well...looping roller coasters.

Back then my favorite roller coaster was any coaster that didn't have loops. I could tolerate the highest hills and the steepest drops. High speed turns were a must as I wanted to feel g-forces, the kind that made it hard to sit up straight. I loved (and still love) wooden coasters even if they sometimes felt rickety and metal coasters are fine, although the smooth ride takes away some of the feeling of speed. Up, down and around, roller coasters have always been my favorite part of going to an amusement park and I would ride any coaster as long as it didn't turn me upside down.

I'm not sure why I was afraid of loops and corkscrews, afterall I knew the physics behind why I wouldn't fall out. My dad is an engineer so I knew the physics behind a number of things and he demonstrated the concept behind a loop by using a glass of ice. The ice barely moved as the glass flipped over. It didn't even raise its hands and scream. (Silly ice, screaming is the best part of the ride.) There was no reason to be afraid but I chose to miss out until that fateful day when my 6th grade class took a field trip to Old Chicago Amusement Park.

Old Chicago Amusement Park was a bit of an oddity in its day: a fully enclosed amusement park wrapped in a shopping mall. Opened in 1975, it was billed as the first indoor amusement park (Mall of America opened years later  in 1992). I doubt the park ever made any money. The rumor back then was that it was built to be a massive tax writeoff. By the time of our class trip it was already clear that the park was in trouble. Many of the stores were closed leaving the mall section with a number of boarded up storefronts painted to look like they were stores from an 1890s era main street. Of course as preteens we didn't care about the boarded up stores, even though we had to pass them all to get to where the rides were. We only cared about two things: the rides and which one of the girls we would ride with.

Funny but I can't remember her name now but back then I would have done anything for her. She knew it and all our friends knew it as well. And so she became the one designated to get me to go where I said I would never go, into the queue of the Chicago Loop: a looping roller coaster named after the section of the city where Grant Park and the Willis Tower (Sears Tower) are located. My friends were quick to correct me telling me they were corkscrews not loops. Either way they turned riders upside down and everyone knew that the idea of a loop made me weak in the knees. But she asked and I was stuck riding the coaster. Anything to sit next to what's her name.

I was scared...to,,,death! So, as the ride pulled off I did what any red blooded coward would do. I closed my eyes. Did you know that with your eyes closed a ride on a roller coaster is over before you realize you've hit the bottom of the first drop? Yes you still get that feeling in your stomach on the first drop but the rest of the ride feels kind of like a wobbly seesaw. I couldn't believe it when the ride was over. What had I been so afraid of?

Later, what's her name conned me into buying her lunch. After that I didn't see her again...ever again. We wound up going to different schools the next year. Such is the life of a preteen. She was out of my life. In her wake I was left with a love for looping roller coasters.

Now I can't leave an amusement park without riding every coaster no matter what type. Just ask my family about the long queue lines. One time we stood in a queue line that was so long that it had a concession stand about a quarter of the way down its length. The ride was worth the wait (the food wasn't worth it but the coaster was). I love roller coasters, especially when they turn me upside down. I wish I could thank ole’ what's her name for getting me on the Loop. If only I could remember her name!

(I understand that as Old Chicago was closing a number of its rides were sold to other amusement parks. The Chicago Loop is now the Canobie Corkscrew located in Canobie Lake Park in New Hampshire.)

Putting A Stop Sign Up To Gossip

Recently I was asked to define gossip and to explain the difference between gossiping and calling out injustice. I gave the definitions I've learned during various Bible studies along with a few other thoughts. Then I went and prayed, something I realize I should have done first. While I was in prayer a question boiled up in my heart. It's a simple question, one I am going to start asking myself often. I passed it along to the person who asked about gossiping and would like to pass it along to you just to give you something to think about.

Before I do so, I admit to you that this is an area where I have not always been in the right. This question has already helped me see how far off course I am. It is a question which, if you answer honestly and prayerfully, will likely change your conversations. Are you ready for change? Then start asking yourself:

"Is this a conversation I can have about someone I truly love?"

It's that simple. But keep in mind that followers of Jesus are called to love everyone. So anything we would say about anyone should be limited by the fact that we love that person. And anything that can't be said out of love?...well...you should probably keep your mouth shut.

A Forced Sabbatical and Post Pandemic Changes

Photo by Mateusz Dach from Pexels

While I have had to do some work during the stay-at-home season, the workload has not been nearly as much as I am used to. At first this was a bit intimidating. I am blessed and fortunate to still have a job and the paycheck that comes with, but I felt like I needed to be doing something for 7-8 hours per day. There's just one problem. The nature of my position at the day job is such that I need to be in the building to do most of my work. And so I do what I can and then the rest of my day is sort of like being on a sabbatical, which would be nice if I knew how to handle being on sabbatical.

It seems like being on a sabbatical should be easy, just stop doing what you would normally do and do something else. Of course under normal circumstances, what you do during a sabbatical is dependent on if you are paid or not. Based on a quick internet search a paid sabbatical allows you to study or to pursue a new idea you can bring back to your job. Conversely an unpaid sabbatical allows you to volunteer or do something else and then (hopefully) get your job back afterwards. Early on I struggled with how not to waste my time while obeying the stay-at-home order. Now I realize that this is a great time to think and to plan changes I can make once the order is lifted. This is a great time to take a paid sabbatical, even if it is a forced sabbatical.

I've followed the same routine for decades. Having started straight out of college, I am one of those rare birds who has worked for the same company for a long time. I have gotten up at the same time, left the house at the same time and caught the same train every morning. While I have changed positions within the company, for the last several years my work routine has been the same. Now, like many of you, I find myself forced out of my routine. I also find myself wondering how I can do a better job once I go back. Is it time to further shake up my daily routine?

As I ponder changes to my day job work routine, I find that other parts of my life also need a shake up. I can be better: a better husband, father, homeowner and a better writer. There is a silver lining to my stay-at-home cloud. Through it I have the time to think and as a result I see my path in a different light. I see changes I can make that will lead to something different and better after this pandemic runs its course. I see that I needed this unplanned sabbatical because I needed time to think about change.

The Chase

Photo by chris howard from Pexels

I recently watched the season finale of Chasing Classic Cars on Motor Trend Network. This reality show stars Wayne Carini, owner of F40 Motorsports in Connecticut, who buys and restores classic cars. The show follows the process as he visits homes and barns in search of cars that might turn a profit. In the finale Carini spoke of how nine out of every ten leads he receives wind up without him purchasing a car. I tried to wrap my head around a 90% failure rate. Beyond the financial considerations, what makes that one out of ten worth the chase? This must be an example of someone pursuing their passion and a great example for others learning to do the same.

The connection between career and passion has long been a tough thing for me to wrap my head around, as one of my symptoms of growing up in a codependent household is a view of work that is very limiting. I was told growing up that work was all about the paycheck and that I should find something to do that is legal and that makes a lot of money. Passion and loving what I am doing were not part of the equation.

Even as I saw it in the work lives of others, I remained convinced that passion was something a man and a woman had for each other. Passion for work didn't add up until a friend of mine told me the difference between a job and a career. By his definition a job was something you do just for a paycheck, whereas a career is something you build because you want to build. I thought the difference was whether you are hourly instead of salaried. My friend opened my eyes in a way that allowed passion and love to finally become part of the career conversation.

I'm now learning to bring passion into my work, although sometimes it still seems like a foreign concept. When I heard Wayne Carini make that 9 out of 10 comment, a light bulb came on. What I've seen over several seasons of Chasing Classic Cars is passion and I started thinking about the things that I would be willing to do even with a 90% failure rate. Writing immediately came to mind. For now I still have my day job which I am thankful for especially as I see so many losing their jobs during this pandemic. As working from home gives me a chance to really examine what I do on the day job, I am also looking forward to my own chase. I am looking forward to doing something I can be passionate about. Now, where's my pen?

One, Two or Three Servings?

Have you ever gotten three and a half servings out of a bag of chips? I'm talking about one of those 3.5oz bags that look like one serving but say they contain 3.5 servings. Generally I finish those off in one sitting, two at the most. I doubt I've ever stretched one to three and a half servings. I just don't have that kind of self discipline. Do you?

The other day I looked at the serving size on a bag of crunchy style Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. (Never tried them? You must. Just save some for me.) The folks at Frito-Lay say that a serving size is “About 21 pieces.” That's an average of course. I wonder if they have a machine calibrated to measure out exactly 73.5 Flamin' Hot Cheetos per bag. And what qualifies as one Cheeto? The size and even shape of each crunchy Cheeto seem somewhat random, not like puffed Cheetos which come out fairly uninformed. Do I get one extra Cheeto for each one that is too small?

Once while babysitting I shared a bag of Cheetos with a five year old. (Not the flamin' kind. Don't think those were out yet.) Sitting side by side on the couch with the bag between us, I noticed she seemed to be putting her hand in the bag more often than I. I wrote it off to the fact that she was pulling out one Cheeto at a time where I was grabbing handfuls. Then I found a Cheeto that was wet on one end. That's when I realized she was biting them in half and tossing what was left back in the bag. I guess the first bite is always the best and this was a great lesson preparing me for when I became a parent.

Anyway, I am not very well calibrated when it comes to knowing how many Cheetos or potato chips are in a handful. I have no idea if I have eaten 21 or 73 Cheetos. I just know when the bag is finished. How about you? Do you get 3.5 servings or do you eat the whole bag in one sitting? Well, I’m up for a challenge. It will take quite a bit of restraint to pull it off. I’m going to try to get the right number of servings out of the bags of my favorite snack foods. Think I can pull it off? Can you?

How God Blessed Me in October 2019

Wisdom is a great blessing and God blessed me in abundance during the month of October starting with a comment made by one of my sons. We were sitting at the dining room table doing homework when he asked why I make school sound like the most important thing in life. Several knee jerk reactions came to mind but I managed to bite my tongue. Then I really thought about his question and I realized I'd made a huge mistake.

Is school important? Yes it is but it is not the most important thing in life. In fact I can think of a number of things that are more important like family and even healthy relationships outside the family. Health (both physical and mental) is also more important than school. I suspect my son was telling me (right or wrong) that my emphasis on school work was not good for his mental health. Above all else there is nothing of greater importance than nurturing an intimate relationship with God. In fact without God the life of the greatest academic sounds like an empty pursuit.

I apologized to my son for giving him the wrong impression and we talked a little of how we must keep things in the right perspective. Yes school is important but it is not the most important thing in life. It took a word of wisdom from my son to help me see the truth. I thank God for blessing me with both my son and His wisdom.

"Happy is the man who finds wisdom,

And the man who gains understanding;

For her proceeds are better 

than the profits of silver,

And her gain than fine gold."

Proverbs 3:13-14 (NKJV)

My day job sits near a satellite office for one of our local children's hospital. From time to time this affords the opportunity to watch parents interact with their children. While getting lunch one day I saw a father and daughter holding hands as they walked down the sidewalk. I could tell by how the toddler's feet moved that she likely is a special needs blessing. Father and daughter seemed to be enjoying each other as they stopped to look at a statue and then stopped again to look at something on the sidewalk.

As I watched I realized how self centered I am. My first thought was of how I would handle my child's future if one were special needs. Forgive me. My next thought was of my son's question about school. Sometimes the wisdom I need is the wisdom to truly evaluate myself. I needed wisdom to understand that my emphasis on certain things are not always about what's best for others. Often they are about what looks best on me. Too bad they can't really cover my flaws.

I value the wisdom God gave during the month of October. I was truly blessed. How has God been blessing you? Tell me on Twitter (@denniscoleman) or via email. I would love to hear what God is doing in your life.

My 5 Minute Midlife Crisis

Photo by Nathan Cowley from Pexels

How long is a midlife crisis supposed to last? I ask because I think I had one the other day. Fortunately it only lasted about five minutes. I'm not even sure what triggered it but I found myself thinking about my age and how, in all likelihood, I have lived more than half of my earthly life. Having more years behind than in front is in and of itself depressing but my main struggle was with what I saw in my rearview mirror.

I saw a number of missed opportunities, broken promises and projects left undone. Have I really done anything of value? My initial answer was, "No." I guess I am my own worst critic. I started to get a little down on myself but then I decided it was time for a change.

Instead of getting me down, my midlife crisis helped me adjust my point of view. Now more than ever I value the moment. I plan to live in the moment asking what I can do of value right now. As they say, if we are still alive we still have purpose. As a result I'm working towards my goals moment by moment. I challenge you to do the same.

We're both still alive and that means we're still in the game.

Book Review: The Wisdom of Your Heart

Are you ready to confront your anger? Marc Alan Shelske thinks you should. In fact he thinks we need to examine all of our feelings, assessing our own emotional health. As we do so Pastor Shelske suggests that our feelings are not the slippery slope often portrayed in church. Instead our emotions tell us something about ourselves and our environment, that is if we are willing to learn how to listen.

Part personal reflection, part Bible study "The Wisdom of Your Heart" is aimed at Christians, challenging commonly held beliefs about emotions. Pastor Shelske asks us to re-examine what the Bible tells us about emotions and the believer's relationship with our feelings. While doing so Shelske shares how his own emotional growth freed him from the bondage of past experience. By sharing his journey Shelske encourages his readers to actively seek emotional growth, offering thought provoking questions to guide us along our way.

On the surface this might appear to be just another self help book but it is not. This is Shelske's personal testimony through which he offers a glimpse of something different. While followers of Christ will likely get the most out of this book, anyone who is open to personal examination and growth will find Shelske's writing thought provoking and different. Men will likely find this a challenge to how they were taught, especially if they were brought up in the church. Because of its value as a tool for personal growth, I recommend "The Wisdom of Your Heart": A quick read with a powerful message.

Update 3/27/2019 - The Wisdom of Your Heart is now an audiobook. For more information visit http://www.marcalanschelske.com/the-wisdom-of-your-heart/

June 1st: A New Celebration

Celebration on the Water: Taken by Dennis Coleman

There was a time when the first day of a new month meant absolutely nothing to me. Codependency
made life something to be survived, not lived. As a result each day was no different than any other: each simply another day of suffering. Morning was a bit of a reprieve but I knew that each day we would eventually wind up on another riding upon our alcohol fueled rapids. With my mom serving as captain, we would spend most days running aground or crashing upon the rocks.

This time around the 1st of June was different. For the first time in memory, I woke up celebrating. I woke up, not as a codependent, but as a living thriving human being. Having been set free in Christ, I had the opportunity to thank God for all the wonderful things we did in the month of May. It was a month in which He changed my heart by opening my eyes to the truth of what for too long has held me back. I came out of the month of May with a new attitude towards life, knowing that I can do more than my mom’s teachings allow.. Now I am ready to live, having grown from codependent child to independent son of God.

With May behind me I also thank God for the opportunities that will come to me during this new month. I know I can do good. I can enjoy blessings from God. I can use the talents and opportunities He has and will give to impact those around me. This is a month where each day I will take a step or two forward on the path to my dreams. Now I can wake up each morning ready to enjoy the adventure that is my life. I will invest in others while enjoying the fullness that comes with being human. This month I will enjoy time with family. I will finish a book or two. Perhaps I’ll even knock a few things off my honey-do list. In short, this month I will live.

At the end of this month I will be ready to celebrate once again on the 1st. No longer will the first be a day hidden under a codependent stupor. It will continue to represent a new beginning and I plan to enjoy each 1st as well as every other day of every future month.

Codependency: Yes Somebody Cares

On my old blog I often wrote about codependency and how having an alcoholic parent was what defined my

Foster sisters by Phillip Richard Morris

life well into adulthood. While trapped by my mom's addiction I found that the best way to cope was to suppress my very negative and destructive feelings out of fear of what might have happened if they were to reach the surface of my being. Yet, as much as I thought I could hide, I still became angry and sad over something inside that I was unable to describe. Fortunately a recent post by a fellow codependent has opened my eyes. The writer, a fellow codependent, has confronted me with that which I did not want to admit to myself.

Talking or writing about the past is difficult for most codependents. So it must have taken quite a bit of courage to write “The Effects of Alcoholism Through the Eyes of a Child,” (posted on allprodad.com). I am not sure who wrote the post but can definitely relate to the experiences. The writer speaks of finding his mother dead in her room, reminding me of the phone call from my brother telling me of my mother’s death. As with the writer of the blog post, I was shocked but not surprised. But I never came to terms with perhaps the most destructive part of being a codependent, a truth spelled out in the post’s final paragraph.

In my own words: Being a codependent means living with the fact that your parent, or some other family member, loves alcohol more than they love you.

Playing second fiddle to an aluminum can destroyed my self esteem. And while I wanted to take responsibility for my own life, I found no real reason to care about myself if the one who should have cared most did not. Instead I have lived with a lot of hidden anger refusing to believe in anything but a negative view of myself. This is where I was until I discovered the truth.

If you are a codependent or if you have bought into the lie that nobody cares, I would like to share one truth with you: Somebody cares! A lot of people care, starting with our Creator who demonstrated His love on the cross where He died for you. Stop listening to that lie that tells you otherwise. There are many who care about you and who want to overlook your codependency. In short: you are loved.

Can Parents Inspire Buzzer-Beater Confidence?

Dr. James Naismith - Public domain via Wikimedia Commons

What a game, one we are still buzzing about here in the Philadelphia area. I can still picture that shot going down, the backboard framed in red lights signifying the end of the half. Hitting nothing but net Kris Jenkins came through for his team. With that the Wildcats, after coming together as a team during the season and making a great tournament run, were crowned national champions. As I remember the shot I find myself wondering what I can do to inspire my children to have the confidence to step up when the pressure is on.

I know each child is different and each will respond to pressure by performing to the best of their ability. But are there things parents can do to make sure those abilities are not lost behind a wall of doubt? How can parents nurture children in such a way as to encourage them to take the last minute shot or to be ready for that crucial at bat? Can we do things that give children the courage to take on the challenge that comes with being first chair in the orchestra or of solving the world's most pressing problems? I believe confidence can be made or broken at home and we parents have a huge say in the outcome.

How do we build a home where confidence has what is needed to bloom? The obvious first step is to offer unconditional love and security. Children must know they are loved and must find the home to be a safe secure place no matter what happens outside. Children must know that their parent's love remains strong no matter how big the failure. They must be assured that failure will not become their identity in the family, which will help them keep it from becoming their identity outside the home. I believe this frees children to go out and take risks, knowing that love is not what's on the line.

Now it's your turn. I hope from time to time to open a door where I can learn from you the reader. What ingredients do you believe help in growing a confident child? Please leave a message here on my blog or on twitter where I can be found @denniswcoleman.

Looking Through the Eyes of Others and Not Liking What I See

By Michaelsaludo ({Michaelsaludo) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

It all started with an innocent question from my younger son who wanted to know why he had to read every night if he never saw me reading. I was once an avid reader. Now I mostly read magazines, a fact for which my son called me out. What am I doing with my time? According to my older son I watch too much television. He sort of alluded to this one time when he was shocked to find the TV turned off.

Then there are my neighbors. More than one of them has spoken of not seeing me much lately. It's not like I've been out on the town. I am a home body, not really prone to enjoying the night life. But I do enjoy the outdoors which at one time made me a common sight in the neighborhood. And yet I find myself sitting and watching the world of scripted, and unscripted but partially staged, entertainment. In the process I think I have lost sight of what it really means to live.

These are just two of many areas where I am not being true to who I want to be. I won't bore you with the details of why I am where I am. Just know that this is not where I plan to stay. I caught a glimpse of myself through the eyes of my family, friends and neighbors. I didn't like what I saw. It's time to make some changes.

You can follow my changes here and on twitter. What life changes are you making? Let me know and we can encourage each other.