Fear of Facing Our Own Shortcomings

I keep a journal where I have become comfortable with being brutally honest with myself. I am also in the habit of going back and reading old entries in this journal which means my younger self gets the chance to be brutally honest with me right now. This happened recently when I came across one of my journal entries in which I wrote about my own pride and my own insecurities. What stood out as I read my own writings was how easy it was to turn the focus on the actions of others. I even wrote a blog post in which I talked about how Christians should deal with someone else’s pride. And while I believe what I wrote on that post to be true, it left out something very important. Sometimes we’re the one with the pride problem or with some other character flaw. And while it is true that our brothers and sisters in Christ should prayerfully and patiently guide us, at some point, when confronted with our own shortcomings, we have to choose to surrender ourselves to the Lord and to allow Him to work in us to get rid of the problem.

My original post was called “Pride or Termites: How Christians Respond to the Problem” in which I described how pride often is a mask covering the real problem of insecurity. I described how we can deal with this real problem in the lives of others instead of knocking them down for the pride that is only a symptom of something bigger. But even if we are prayerfully in full alignment with God, the simple fact is that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. Likewise, a brother/sister in Christ can help you see you have a problem but they can’t make YOU do anything about it.

Back when I wrote the termite post I was ready to admit my own pride but I was not ready to do anything about it. It was much easier to turn the focus towards someone else in the form of, “this is what THEY should do,” with the “THEY” being the rest of the church. I should have been asking myself and writing about what I should do. I write this now because I believe this should be a routine aspect of the Chrisitian walk and I am being brutally honest with myself again. Instead of looking at others, Chistians (with an emphasis on me this time) should be talking about what we should do. What should I do when God reveals an area of pride in my own heart? It all starts with yielding to God and being the person He has created me to be.

Who Speaks into Your Life?

 For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.”

Romans 8:15

Unless you live in a monastery there are probably people around you who try to speak into your life, passing on their point of view about you and about the situations in which you find yourself. Sometimes their comments are helpful. Sometimes they're no better than background noise. Most of the time those comments are well intentioned but that doesn’t always guarantee that they are what’s best. So how do you know when to listen and when to politely say thankyou and then move on? One surefire way to know is to prayerfully see if the words spoken to you line up with what God says in the Bible.

A few years ago I had a coworker share their fears about the future of my job. At the time our company was facing a number of challenges and our leaders were exploring a number of avenues, trying to find the best path. It was in this climate that my coworker spoke of how they felt my job was on the line and gave me advice on how to handle the situation. It was clear that this person meant well and was concerned about my future. At the time what they said made a lot of sense.

Taking things at face value, the advice was sound and I was a day away from doing exactly as the person suggested. What stopped me? Actually I should say: Who stopped me? God stopped me, as that night He spoke to me during my prayer time. It wasn’t an audible voice and yet it came across loud and clear, revealing the fear behind the advice. By the end of that prayer time I understood that God had a plan for me and would provide for my family whether or not I got laid off. The next day I took what God revealed to be my next step, moving forward in the confidence that God would not drop the ball.

Today, I am still employed at the same company, which is doing better than it was a few years ago. Not only that but I just received a promotion. Yes, the person was right about my job disappearing but neither of us could see the blessing that I am receiving in moving from one position to another. This is God’s plan and He knew along what would happen even though I could not see. Where my coworker understandably spoke out of fear (and out of concern) the Spirit within me spoke out of adoption and out of all knowing wisdom. I thank God for His plan and for speaking to me that night when I needed His advice.

While I am grateful that my coworker cared enough to give advice, that advice did not line up with God’s plan because this person was not seeing things through God’s eyes. Do the people around you give you advice that comes from a Biblical point of view or from what seems right to a human (Proverbs 14:12 and 16:25). Who do you allow to speak into your life? Whose advice are you willing to follow? Is their advice godly or will they lead you onto the wrong path?

There’s Nothing I Can Do About It

It was a show of blatant disrespect, the kind that people later try to justify because they know they are wrong. There I was trying to make what I thought was an important point but someone else kept talking over me. They felt that the point I was making didn’t apply at the time, even though later on someone else asked the very question I was trying to answer. Somehow the answer was important when the other person asked the question but wasn’t important when I, knowing the information was needed, tried to anticipate what would be asked. Later on the person tried to explain why they interrupted me, as if the explanation somehow made it less disrespectful.

Fortunately, God has done quite a bit of work on my heart. Having been brought up under the cloud of codependency, my old self would have reacted poorly. I would have started yelling or done something else that would have made me look like a fool. If I didn’t yell, I would have made some sort of passive aggressive comment when the question I was trying to answer was asked later on. Somehow I would have found a way to mess things up so that in the end all anyone would have talked about was my own immaturity instead of that of the person who was really at fault.

In the past if I somehow managed to hold my tongue I would have felt compelled to try to change how that person thinks about me: I would have tried to earn their respect. If I had lost it, I would have gone to grovel at the person’s feet, taking full responsibility for my wrong and for theirs. Why? Well that is a symptom of codependency. It’s a drive to get people to like and respect me while fixing problems that I didn’t create in the first place. Along with that, codependency tells me that I am usually wrong and the other person is right, even when they treat me (and others) poorly.

What I’ve learned over the years is that there are some people whose hearts are not in the right place. They have an agenda to push and they are going to do so no matter who gets embarrassed or even hurt. I can’t make people like that respect or even like me. I cannot do anything to make them treat me any differently. In fact, there is nothing I can do about it. But that does not let me off the hook. While I am not responsible for the actions of other people, I am responsible for how I respond. I am responsible for making sure that my heart is right and that, in the end, I can walk away knowing that I responded as God wants.

Who’s In Your Inner Circle? Who Should be Out?

Over my five and a half decades of life I’ve had the misfortune of being in some toxic relationships. It started within my own family where one of my parents was an alcoholic, trapping me in a codependent relationship. Fortunately, in Christ I have been healed of the injuries that resulted from that relationship. But there have been others who wanted to pour toxins into my life. Some I could easily move far away from my inner circle. One in particular was a coworker who regularly tried to sell me on a very negative view of life. God eventually moved that person out to arms length where they could no longer make me a captive audience for their pontifications. As with this coworker, there are people who need to be held at a distance. Sometimes they sneak into our inner circle and we need to be honest and intentional about moving them back out.

In the Bible Samson allowed someone into his inner circle who never should have been there. He found Delilah to be attractive and seemed to enjoy her company. But at some point she became a negative influence as she worked on behalf of her people in order to try to betray Samson. In Judges 16:15-17 the Bible tells us that she pestered him to the point where “... his soul was vexed to death,...” (Judges 16:16 NKJV). Eventually he gave in to her pressure tactics, telling her the secret to his strength. As a result he lost his hair, his strength and the presence of the Lord in his life (Judges 17:20). In the end, because Samson kept Delilah in his inner circle he wound up paying a very steep price.

There are some relationships that we can’t get away from (like with an alcoholic parent). There are others where we can’t completely push the person out but we can keep them at arm's length, like coworkers or even church brethren. There are some relationships that we should get out of but the emotional attachments make it difficult. In all of these situations we need to call upon our God, asking for direction. We need to pray for the other person and for the grace to respond properly. It’s true that sometimes God puts us in a situation to influence people in the name of the Lord. But I believe there will be times when the Lord opens the door and tells us to move a person far, far away. When that happens, we need to pray for the courage to do so.