My Toughest Prayer at My Current Life Stage

Back in 2019 I wrote a post in which I talked about my two toughest prayers: two prayers that were (and still are) difficult to say because both involve surrender to God. The first of these prayers is, "Father give me the day I need to grow in You." The second is even more difficult to say: "Father give my family the day they need to grow in You." A lot has happened since 2019 and at times God did choose difficult roads that I never would have chosen for myself, like a family health scare that was hard to stomach at the time but that prevented an even bigger health problem in the long run. These prayers are still difficult for me to say but I still say them, thanking God for what He is doing as He leads me along His chosen paths.

I’m at a stage now where the second question carries even more weight. My wife and I have successfully gotten both of our sons through high school with both moving on to “adult life.” One of my sons chose the more traditional path, going to college and then grad school and now he has his first “real” job. He is also married, with he and his wife taking on the challenge of owning a puppy. My other son chose a very non-traditional path with God opening doors and providing each step of the way. The path he has chosen will be difficult but he has embraced the challenge that lies ahead. In both cases it’s difficult to be on the sidelines and yet that is where I need to be: out of God’s way.

When the boys were in school I could fool myself into thinking that I had some level of control. Now they are both well beyond my reach. One thing that has not changed is my desire for both of them to know God and to grow spiritually, giving their hearts in surrender to Him. This means I still pray that same prayer for them now that I did back then, only expanding it to cover my daughter-in-law and my younger son’s girlfriend. "Father give my family the day they need to grow in You." It’s still a difficult prayer because I want to see them all succeed without the difficulties that I know are normal in life and I still have no control over seeing this goal achieved. Fortunately, the One who answers this prayer has not changed and I can rest assured that He will lead my family down the paths where they can enjoy His best, even if those paths are a bit difficult.

Book Review: Blessed By The Best

Blessed By The Best is a must read for any fan of the Philadelphia Eagles and suggested reading for all NFL fans, giving a glimpse into the life of Hall of Fame safety Brian Dawkins. The full title of the book is Blessed By The Best, My Journey to Canton and Beyond and it is written by Michael Bradley who worked with Brian Dawkins to put together an inspiring book about overcoming physical circumstances as well as emotional turmoil. The book reads as if Dawkins is in the room with you, telling you his life story.

From a writing standpoint this book almost seems as if it is unedited, as if a recording of Dawkins was transcribed word for word. I think this adds to the charm of the book as I really felt that I got to know the character of the man who spent 235 pages telling me about himself, his family, his teammates and most of all about his God. This makes it a fun read which left me looking forward to what Dawkins will do with the rest of his post football life.

I give Blessed By The Best two thumbs up, recommending it for sports fans and for anyone who needs the inspiration of learning from someone who overcame a number of obstacles. I also recommend it for anyone who wants to learn about one man’s spiritual journey, delivered with honesty about his ups and downs as he continues to learn to trust in God.

Blessed By The Best: My Journey To Canton and Beyond by Brian Dawkins with Michael Bradley. Published by Camino Books, Inc. Philadelphia

When Lightning Strikes Twice

In 1993 my wife and I were still newlyweds and still getting used to living life together. For my wife this meant getting used to being a football widow every Sunday from September to February. So on January third, with my new mother-in-law in town, I figured it was best for my fledgling marriage if I gave in to my wife’s request and took her and her mother shopping. Full disclosure, shopping is one of my least favorite activities but I decided to be nice figuring I would only miss one NFL playoff game.

We made a few different stops, including one in Strawbridges in nearby Willow Grove Park Mall. For those of you not from Pennsylvania, New York or New Jersey Strawbridges was a department store that evolved from a local store called Strawbridge and Clothier, which was eventually bought by Macy’s. At some point the folks at Macy’s did away with the Strawbridges name but my story takes place back when the mall had both Macy’s and Strawbridges as anchor stores and when department stores still had a wall of televisions in their electronics sections.

On that day it seemed like every television in the store was turned to the game and there was a large group of men watching. Somehow they seemed unusually excited about what was at that point an overtime game, so I decided to stick around to watch how the game ended. Little did I know that I was seeing the end of what was then the greatest comeback in NFL history which ended with a Buffalo field goal in OT. As the ball went through the uprights I decided that from that time forward I would regularly remind my wife that I missed this historic game because she wanted to go shopping. Fortunately she has a good sense of humor and we have both learned to laugh whenever I tell this story.

After this past weekend the laughs are all on me and this will probably be the last time that I ever tell the story of missing the Bills’ comeback win. This weekend I was the one who planned an afternoon shopping trip, even though this was one of the Saturdays when there would be NFL games. Both my son and my wife thought it odd that I would choose shopping over football but I needed to finish my Christmas list. Besides, I figured I would only miss one game and that’s where I made my mistake. 

Somehow, once again, I missed the greatest comeback in NFL history as the Vikings came back from being down by 33 points to beat the Colts in overtime. Yes, somehow lightning did strike twice and it’s finally time for me to put an old story to rest. Now my wife can tell everyone how I made her miss the greatest comeback in NFL history and if you see me shopping during a football game you might want to run to the nearest television.

When the Answer to Prayer is Not What You Expect

Over the last few years I have been praying for a family member who has been dealing with a chronic health issue, praying on and off for deliverance which seemed at times to be unlikely. This year I felt moved to begin praying for overall good health, not just about the issue at hand. I expanded the scope of my prayers, asking for the removal of all obstacles to good health. Little did I know that the biggest obstacle was hidden away: a small area of precancerous cells that would be discovered almost by accident.

I say by accident but the discovery was no accident. I believe God directed the search, leading doctors to find this very small patch of cells before they could become something else. I had been praying without knowing the real need, while thinking that changes in diet and other lifestyle changes would help along with a little divine intervention. The real need was surgery and God put us on the right path, leading us to doctors who (under God’s direction) made the right choices. The cells were found by a doctor who is the only one in the region who performs the procedure that led to the discovery and we know that it was God who took us to this doctor in the first place. Fortunately God sees all and His answer, while unexpected, uncovered a hidden issue and likely prevented a much bigger problem.

I could only see the obvious problem, which is what I was praying about. God saw the problem lying beneath the surface. I was asking for what I thought was the biggest health need but God saw an even bigger need. Seeing what we could not, God intervened  and I am thankful. From this I am reminded that while I think I know what I should pray for, God answers with what He knows we need. That’s the key thing we need to remember when God’s answer to prayer is not what we expect. God’s answer, though different from what we would do, is always what’s best.

Has Marriage Been In Trouble From the Beginning?

It’s a story that all church goers and perhaps most people know. God creates man and woman. Man and woman sin against God by eating from the tree. Man and woman sew fig leaves together and wear clothes for the first time. To be honest, it seems weird that Adam suddenly wanted his wife to put clothes on but I believe this was a sign that things had changed between them. In looking at this change I wonder if this is a sign that marriage has been in trouble from the beginning.

What’s interesting here is that the normal external threats to marriage did not exist yet. Adam and Eve did not have an argument over money or over how to raise the children. Their in-laws were  not an undue influence nor were their neighbors’ lifestyles. Cultural influences were not yet a thing. What led to a change in Adam’s marriage relationship with Eve stems simply from a change in how they were thinking about each other. That change came from the inside, not from the outside, and it’s a change called sin.

In my lifetime I’ve heard the repeated refrain of how a number of external forces are destroying marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to downplay those threats as each carries its own danger for the institution. But I believe the greatest threat to marriage comes from the inside, from wrong attitudes between husbands and wives and from those same couples not being good examples for their children. Because of this, I believe the only way the institution survives is if we see more examples of men and women living up to the high calling of our Creator, knowing who they are in Christ while seeing their spouses through the eyes of God. I believe we need Jesus’ followers being the light they were called to be, both as individuals and as husband and wife.

Will The Church Be A Source of Hope?

Back in 2020 I wrote a post asking “Is The Church Still A Source of Hope?” Today I find myself once again thinking about this question, wondering if the church will be a source of hope if Roe v. Wade is overturned. For the record, this is not a post about the Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice debate nor will I comment on the leaked Supreme Court Document and its implications. My intention with this post is to get you to think about how you will respond to women in need if abortion is no longer an option in your state. Will you (and your church) be a source of hope?

Since news broke of the leaked document I’ve heard a lot about what women will lose if the court votes as indicated. The picture painted by the Pro-Choice side is that the court is planning to take away a source of hope for women and perhaps in the future more minority groups will lose the hope given them by various court rulings. There seems to be a lot of fear of what might happen and of what the path we seem to be on will mean for our future.

As I pointed out in 2020, God’s church is called to be the salt of the earth. Jesus expects us to touch the community around us, making situations more palatable by showing others the hope that is only available from God. I believe that means rising above political debate in order to help those who are in need. In this case that means helping women see that nine months of pregnancy does not mean the end of life. We must be willing now to roll up our sleeves in order to offer hope and to show that in Christ the future is bright.

Some would say that if the court votes as indicated in the leaked document, the church has won a victory. Will the church respond by being poor winners or will we continue (or perhaps once again become) the source of hope that God intends for us to be?

Remember to Call Upon the Lord, He Cares

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In my last post I described how God has blessed my family during the pandemic and how He is keeping both His general promise to provide as well as a more specific promise He has given to me. But the last month and a half has not been all peaches-n-cream. (Haven't heard that one in a while.) We lost a family member who contracted COVID-19 while living in a nursing home. Another family with whom we've been close also lost a person to COVID-19. With family and friends working in healthcare, we live with a constant threat of seeing others catch the disease and that's just the start of the stresses we have faced.

Some of those stresses have been both a bother and at the same time humorous. Before now I never had to try to plan when we would need to order paper towels or toilet paper. A miscalculation there could lead to days of...discomfort. But what I see on the news and in my region are no laughing matter. In both I see high unemployment. I see neighbors who are worried about paying for food. I hear and read reports of people who are afraid that they will not be able to pay their rent or their mortgage. I see people, real people, who are suffering as the coronavirus tries to destroy our land.

For the record I do not believe this pandemic is a punishment from God. Jesus bore our punishment on the cross, giving His life for the world (John 3:16). Based on these facts I believe this illness to be one of those unfortunate things that happens in a fallen world. I do believe that God is available to us all, ready to heal and to give hope. He is ready to join us in our struggles, to guide us forward in dealing with life. He empowers those who call upon Him, meeting needs both supernaturally and naturally through His church. We need only call upon His name.

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time,

casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.

1 Peter 5:6-7 (NKJV)

Christians are not immune to suffering and this pandemic has something for everyone. We can try to deal with our troubles on our own but this is the path to failure. This is a time when we need to call upon our Lord knowing that He cares. He cares about your finances. He cares that you feel alone and/or overwhelmed. He cares about your physical health. Whatever it is, He cares. Don't suffer alone. Reach out to God and to His church through whom He works.

Stay At Home Orders and God's Blessings

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It has been a strange and uncomfortable month and a half. I'm one who likes to plan and to know where my next several steps will go. But as any follower of Jesus can tell you, this is not how God works in our lives and the current pandemic amplifies how much I am not in control. As I write this there is no sign of when things will open up where I live. And then there are the real causes of stress. From dealing with the death of a family member who contracted COVID-19 to the stress of knowing a number of people who work in healthcare, there are plenty of things in my world right now trying to get me down. Where can I find peace and stability? I find it in my relationship with God.

"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:19 (NKJV)

We are fortunate in that both my wife and I are still receiving paychecks. My wife works in healthcare, essential to our current crisis. My employer is doing its best to keep staff members employed until we can get back into the building. We are blessed to still have jobs when so many have lost their livelihoods. Something like 30 million people have filed for unemployment in the United States. I suspect that number will go up and I pray for those who are struggling to make ends meet.

In my 30+ years of following Christ I have seen God keep the promise of Philippians 4:19. I've lived through times when we weren't sure how we would make it financially. In those times God has found a way. Sometimes He provided by sending unexpected money: a gift or a bonus that arrived just as we needed. We've also had times when the same amount of money seemed to cover more than it did the month before. I have seen God provide and it is a blessing to know that He will do so no matter what happens tomorrow.

Not only has He provided, He has blessed. Right as the stay at home order kicked in for our area the television in our family room broke. God provided for a new one with more features and a larger screen than the old. I guess we could debate if that's a need or a blessing. With two teenage boys, I say it's both. We were able to pay cash and still buy my wife what she wanted for her birthday, again paying cash. I thank God for both blessings as well as for the blessing that is my wife.

Philippians 4:19 is a promise and a blessing given to all believers. Alongside of it I have a more personal promise that is a blessing during this time. Years ago God promised that I will not lose my day job and will not leave until it is time to start my next career. Based on His promise I can relax knowing this pandemic will not cost me my job unless it is time for something new. Knowing that God has a plan is one of the greatest blessings anyone can have and a great comfort during this unusual time.

How has God blessed you as He guides us during this pandemic?

How God Blessed Us in November 2019

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Jesus said that the angels who are charged with watching over children have unlimited access to God’s throne (Matthew 18:10). I take great comfort in knowing God watches over my family. And when one of my sons has to deal with life's difficulties, I get the blessing of seeing how God keeps His promises in their lives.

Due in part to a miscommunication, one of my sons saw a door close on an opportunity. He was understandably disappointed. I thank God that my sons are both comfortable with sharing their hurts with me. I also thank God for reminding us both of His promise that all things work for our good (Romans 8:28). After a few days God opened a door and my son got to see God at work. I was reminded that the best thing I can do for my sons is to trust their future into the hands of my Lord.

Every one of God's promises is an opportunity for us to be blessed. They are also opportunities for us to teach others how to recognize God's blessings. In November I was blessed by seeing God's promise fulfilled as a blessing in my son's life. How have you been blessed? Have you seen God"s promises fulfilled? Tell me on Twitter (@denniscoleman) or via email. I would love to hear what God is doing in your life.

How God Blessed Me in October 2019

Wisdom is a great blessing and God blessed me in abundance during the month of October starting with a comment made by one of my sons. We were sitting at the dining room table doing homework when he asked why I make school sound like the most important thing in life. Several knee jerk reactions came to mind but I managed to bite my tongue. Then I really thought about his question and I realized I'd made a huge mistake.

Is school important? Yes it is but it is not the most important thing in life. In fact I can think of a number of things that are more important like family and even healthy relationships outside the family. Health (both physical and mental) is also more important than school. I suspect my son was telling me (right or wrong) that my emphasis on school work was not good for his mental health. Above all else there is nothing of greater importance than nurturing an intimate relationship with God. In fact without God the life of the greatest academic sounds like an empty pursuit.

I apologized to my son for giving him the wrong impression and we talked a little of how we must keep things in the right perspective. Yes school is important but it is not the most important thing in life. It took a word of wisdom from my son to help me see the truth. I thank God for blessing me with both my son and His wisdom.

"Happy is the man who finds wisdom,

And the man who gains understanding;

For her proceeds are better 

than the profits of silver,

And her gain than fine gold."

Proverbs 3:13-14 (NKJV)

My day job sits near a satellite office for one of our local children's hospital. From time to time this affords the opportunity to watch parents interact with their children. While getting lunch one day I saw a father and daughter holding hands as they walked down the sidewalk. I could tell by how the toddler's feet moved that she likely is a special needs blessing. Father and daughter seemed to be enjoying each other as they stopped to look at a statue and then stopped again to look at something on the sidewalk.

As I watched I realized how self centered I am. My first thought was of how I would handle my child's future if one were special needs. Forgive me. My next thought was of my son's question about school. Sometimes the wisdom I need is the wisdom to truly evaluate myself. I needed wisdom to understand that my emphasis on certain things are not always about what's best for others. Often they are about what looks best on me. Too bad they can't really cover my flaws.

I value the wisdom God gave during the month of October. I was truly blessed. How has God been blessing you? Tell me on Twitter (@denniscoleman) or via email. I would love to hear what God is doing in your life.

Are Schools Talking With Or Digitally Talking At Parents?

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It's amazing how much things have changed since I was in school. Back then we brought home test papers for our parents to sign. That was a lot of fun when I got an "A", not so much when I got an "F". Now everything is electronic, with an email at the end of the week telling me what my child may or may not want me to know. To be honest I'd rather schools go back to having me sign tests. At least then I might actually know what’s going on.

Yes, I understand that we live in the information age but there is a point where information becomes useless. At least when kids bring papers home I can see what they are having trouble with. An email with a grade tells me little to nothing. I've even had times when the weekly email gave the wrong impression, like when one of my sons seemingly failed a test in a class where he would normally get straight A's. Turns out he missed one question in one section on the test. Because the section only had two questions, missing one meant getting an "F" on that section. I was left scratching my head until I learned he had gotten an "A" overall on the test.

In this digital age I see grades without context. I can't tell if my sons are struggling because they don't understand one topic or if something else is going on. In effect the schools send me more information while managing to leave me out of the loop. This leaves me learning a new way to read, one that allows for understanding the new tech school information system. Ultimately though, I have found an old tech solution to the problem. Each day after work and school we having a “debriefing session” where we talk about each class. With all of the avenues for getting real time information, the best answer is still an old fashioned conversation.

As a parent, do you like the new tech ways used by schools to send information? Do you feel like you are part of a conversation with your school or do you feel like they are electronically talking at you?

How God Blessed Us in September 2019

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Financial Blessing During Unanticipated Event
She was one of my wife’s favorite aunts and it would have been difficult to tell my wife she couldn’t go to the funeral. Because of the location, going to the funeral involved booking airline tickets and hotel reservations. These meant spending a lot of money for something of great value to our family.

“And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:19 NKJV

What an awesome promise we are given in Philippians 4:19. The Bible tells us that God will provide according to His riches in glory, not according to our faith or our works or anything else about us. His provision is according to what He has and by extension by Who He is.

God kept this promise by providing cash for the plane tickets and for the hotel. It’s funny how we always have what we need, even when the unexpected happens. I thank God for His provision and His love.

The Blessing of Restoration
The trip was important to my wife but why was it important to God? It was important because the desire of my wife’s heart. It was also important because God was ready to do the work of restoration. Even while mourning the loss of a loved one, my wife and her cousins were able to re-establish bonds which had grown weak over the years. God restored family ties and we look forward to growth in this area of our lives. This is a great blessing on which we cannot estimate the value.

The Blessing of a New Chapter
A few years ago my wife left a job where the work environment had taken an uncomfortable turn. God opened a door back then to a better working situation but at lower pay. We had to make some changes, but God provided for us and moved my wife forward along a path He showed her one night during her quiet time. We learned last month that she will receive a promotion with a pay increase that puts her back to where she was on her old job. This is a blessing both financially for our family and career wise for my wife. I thank God for providing for us over the past few years and for His blessings as we move forward according to His will.

How has God been blessing you? Contact me on Twitter (@denniswcoleman) or via email (dcwriter1@hotmail.com) to share the work God is doing in your life.

How God Blessed Me in June 2019

The Christian life is one of experiencing the presence of God. His presence is seen in a series of both big and small events, orchestrated by His hand as He works to make us more like Himself. One or two “acts of God” are not enough to see His presence, as all but the most miraculous come with other possible explanations. Only as we pull back looking at the big picture of the entirety of the Christian walk will we see the author behind the story. Otherwise, based on one “blessing” or just a single testimony of what the Lord has done, we might dismiss His actions as coincidence or as a logical occurrence.

From time to time I would like to share situations from my life where I believe God is at work. I encourage skeptics and believers to consider these as a growing narration not as single isolated events. I acknowledge that the testimony of one thing that happened can be dismissed. What then do we say of a lifetime of multiple testimonies?

Last month I shared how God blessed me and my family in the two previous months. Here I would like to share a few things God pulled off during the month of June.

I suspect every follower of Jesus has had that moment when they felt compelled to do something, believing they are being “moved by the Spirit.” Some even speak of how God speaks to them, encouraging them to do something they would not have done otherwise.

That Last Bit of Homework
With a little more than a week left in the school year one of my sons was studying for a test. He logged onto Google Classroom where he found the study materials, including a study guide where he needed to fill in a number of blanks. Initially we were not going to print out this guide but something inside lead me to believe we should. We did so and he answered the questions, taking the pages with him to school the next day in order to continue studying.

In class his teacher asked everyone to turn in their homework. None of the students knew what the teacher was talking about so he put a picture of the first page up on the board. This is when my son realized it was the study guide he had completed and was carrying in his bag. He was the only one in the class who turned in his work.

The Cost of Auto Maintenance and God’s Open Wallet
June is car inspection month in our household. This year, inspection time meant three major repairs on our two cars. We knew we would have to make two of those, but the third was a complete surprise. God provided for all three. He also revealed how He will provide for a conference we would like to attend this month. Time and again God has provided for all of our needs and even for a number of our wants. I rest knowing He will continue to provide as we move forward.

Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid
As a parent of two teenagers we deal with a lot of emotional ups and downs. Unfortunately there are times when other adults (teachers, coaches) are not always helpful in dealing with the teenage psyche. In this case something was said (by a person in authority) to one of our sons that the person should have kept to themselves. My son did not want to repeat what was said, leaving us in the dark. Internalizing what was said drew my son into a few day’s depression. Fortunately God knows how to bring the truth out into the open. He directed us in how to deal with our son and is in the process of healing. This was a reminder of the great advantage that comes with being able to discuss parenting with our creator.

These are just a few of the many blessings we enjoyed in June. How has God blessed you?

Should I Hate Mr. Ratburn Now?

Arthur (the children’s cartoon on PBS) was a fixture in our household for a number of years. Both of my children enjoyed watching and we even had a few of the books in our home library. I suspect my entire family can still sing the theme song. I certainly know it by heart. Arthur was a safe place to learn about manners and about handling bullies. With a cast made up of a number of different types of animals the cartoon was also a safe place to learn how people who are different can get along. But Arthur’s 22nd season began with a twist, one with which I suspect Christian parents will struggle. How we handle this twist will shape the beliefs of our children. Our responses will also affect how the church is seen from the outside.

This plot twist involves Mr. Ratburn, a third grade teacher who has been a part of the cartoon since its start. For twenty one seasons Mr. Ratburn has been a calm (but not perfect) mentor to the students of his class, representing an adult point of view for dealing with the ups and downs of being a child. This year we learn something about Mr. Ratburn which to my knowledge has never been talked about in any other episode. In this season’s premier episode Mr. Ratburn marries an aardvark: an aardvark who showed up for the wedding in a suit and tie.

So, how should followers of Christ deal with this plot twist? The knee jerk reaction is one of anger, lashing out at the show and its writers. I think this is the wrong response. For 21 years there was nothing wrong with the cartoon (aside from controversy over an episode of its spin-off “Postcards from Buster”). If parents suddenly slam the door on the series we send the message that Christians are afraid of and/or hate people who, in real life, are like Mr. Ratburn. We leave our own children with the wrong impression of how they should deal with real world issues. We also send the wrong message to people outside the church to whom we are called to minister. In order to avoid sending the wrong message believers should avoid the knee jerk reaction we are told we must have, choosing instead to trust God’s Spirit to give us the words we need in order to minister instead of trying to fight back. In other words we need to have a conversation with our children and with others who might be curious about our views.

Yes, I am certain that Mr. Ratburn’s wedding is meant to deliver a certain point of view, one that is at odds with the Christian faith. But we are told that our battle is not with flesh and blood. And so we must avoid the temptation to fight back out of a spirit of fear and hate, choosing instead the wisdom and love that can only come from our relationship with Christ. We must respond by being the light both in our homes and in our community.

No, I do not hate Mr. Ratburn. Nor should you.

Do you watch tv with your children?

On the day I finished this post I read about an Alabama PBS station which refused to show the episode. In their explanation they spoke of how parents trust PBS to provide programming that is safe for children to watch alone. I never trusted PBS or any other station, choosing to watch with my children. In fact even if the programming was “Christian programming,” I watched. (I know a lot of VeggieTales songs by heart.) I felt safer doing this and it gave opportunity to bond with my children.

Here is a link to a post where, while watching tv with one of my children, I found myself asking, Have We Lost Our True Heroes?

As A Parent, Saying "No!" Is Easy. What Comes Next Is Hard

I had to say, “No,” a few times over the weekend. It's a word I’ve grown accustomed to after close to two decades of being a parent. In my early years I felt bad when I said that word. It felt like I was failing to meet some need or like I was selfishly rejecting my own offspring. Have you ever felt that way when saying, “No,” to your kids? After spending way too much on Christmas present a few years ago and watching the toy grow cobwebs, I realized a line had to be drawn. "No," became a regular part of my parenting arsenal, one I now use with no regret whatsoever. But while saying no is easy, knowing what to do next is the hard part.

Most of the time my children are (thankfully) ok with the word "no." They leave feeling a bit disappointed but they live. Occasionally they beg or try to ask for the same thing in different way but these attempts are easily dispatched. Every now and then I get a response like what one I got this weekend: sulking and visibly showing frustration over not getting their own way. This is something that comes with the territory of raising a teen and a preteen. Knowing how to handle this kind of response is where parents earn their stripes.

My mom would have gotten angry. Based on comments made by relatives and older friends over the years, my mom's response was once considered the norm. A few years ago it would have been the norm in my household as well. But then I looked at my goals as a parent and found they were not being met.

So I changed tactics. No I do not try to become philosophical nor do I speak to my children as if they are my friends. I do however ask them, “What’s going on?” From there we talk about more appropriate ways to handle disappointments and the difference between that and feeling frustrated. What used to lead to a confrontation now becomes a teachable moment.

I put this out there not to brag but to ask how other parents handle what comes after the word "No." If you are a parent do you find it easy to say "no"? How do you handle the moment after the "no" has been delivered?

Mr. Incredible, Real Life Fatherhood and an Explosion of Straws

"Why would they change math? Math is math!" Mr. Incredible

I took my family to see “Incredibles 2” this past Father's Day. We all enjoyed the first movie and had hoped to see a sequel. When Disney announced movie 2 we knew we had to see it as soon as possible. I also had an ulterior motive in going to see the film. After reading one or two critiques which said the film portrays dads (represented by Mr. Incredible) in a negative light, I wanted to see for myself if this was yet another bad dad film. Considering the movie takes place in 1962 when family roles were a lot different than today, I was pleasantly surprised by a realistic portrayal (at least in my experience) of what it's like to be dad.

For the record "Incredibles 2" is an entertaining, though somewhat predictable movie. The action sequences are a lot of fun and while this is a superhero movie, it does a great job of poking fun at everyday life. Incredibles 2 picks up where its predecessor left off, in the parking lot right after Dash's track meet. Though the supers once again save the day, the world would still rather they stay in hiding. Against this backdrop Elastigirl is offered a job where she can fight crime while changing perceptions about supers.

Mom's new job means a number of changes in the family, including Mr. Incredible taking on a new role as a stay at home dad. I doubt this was very common in 1962. Back then most dads worked and would have scoffed at staying home with the children. There would have been bruised egos and a lack of know how if they were forced to take on the task. When judged by 2018 standards of course Mr. Incredible looks bad. I also suspect fifty-six years from now we will look like we didn’t have a clue to those looking back upon history.

With a precocious super powered baby, a moody teen whose having boy troubles and a son learning elementary school New Math, dad is in over his head. And yes he does make some silly mistakes, in at least one case making matters worse. He loses sleep. Eventually he loses his temper. He has to turn to Edna Mode and Frozone for help. For most of the movie it looks as if he is failing at his job. And as he struggles to figure it all out his day begins to look very familiar.

As any parent will tell you, when you are running late something will come up missing. Once when we were running late for my older son’s football picture day, he couldn't find his cleats. As we searched for the cleats my younger son discovered a box of 1000 drinking straws. Unfortunately toddlers (which he was at the time) are not good at opening boxes. Somehow he ripped the box in half sending the straws all over the family room. The sight of my son surrounded by a sea of straws would have made for a good picture had I had time to get my camera. It also made for a good laugh, which I would have enjoyed if not for the sound of my dog throwing up in the dining room.

I now had missing cleats, straws on the floor and vomit to clean up. There was only time to take care of two problems. I left the straws knowing I could explain things to my wife when she showed up for the football game. There was only one flaw in my plan and boy was it a big one. Instead of going straight to the field, like she said she was going to do, my wife decided to go home where she discovered that we no longer had any clean straws. In hindsight I should have cleaned up the straws and left the vomit. I could have then denied having any knowledge of the dog throwing up, which would have kept me out of the dog house.

Like Mr. Incredible I have made many mistakes while taking care of my children. Yes at times the house turns into a chaotic mess but eventually everything gets cleaned up. We found the cleats and on other occasions the remote, or whatever other item becomes lost at inopportune times. The children forgive me when I mishandle situations with their friends. Eventually even my wife learns to laugh at things, that is after she cleans up after me (just kidding). The same was true for the Parr family in “Incredibles 2,” where the kids survive Mr. Incredible's mistakes. Eventually one even compliments the job he does being dad.

“Incredibles 2” is not a disparaging portrayal of a father. It is an animated telling of what it's like for real dads, both in the 1960’s and today. We do our best, which often is less than perfect. Eventually we figure some of it out and everyone survives. But I still don't know why they would change math!

Spontaneous or Planned Bedtime Prayer?

“Now I lay me down to sleep…”

If you grew up in a Christian home there’s a good chance your childhood bedtime routine included prayer with your parents. Perhaps you routinely prayed something like the words written above or maybe your prayer involved giving thanks for all the good things that happened that day. Some of us prayed at the side of our beds with our parents. Others prayed while in bed, mom or dad sitting on the edge of the bed. It was all part of a very comforting routine, an expectation in any “good” Christian household.

As a parent of teenaged boys I no longer can get away with the old wrote repetition prayers. How do I keep the routine going without it ringing hollow, nothing more than a habit passed along by tradition? Perhaps I should plan what we will say each night, avoiding the memorized prayers in order to bring something of substance before the throne of grace. If not a planned prayer, perhaps bedtime should involve something more spontaneous and less routine. After all, payer is a conversation with God. I do not want my kids asking me the same question over and over again night after night. Why would God want to hear the same non-petition night after night after night?

Of course the old standby routine prayers are good for helping younger children establish the habit of going to God in prayer. Yet, as they get older it seems like there is a need for something else. A little planning and a lot of listening can become an avenue for helping them learn to open their hearts to God. With the opportunity to speak openly with him about the things in life that concern them, perhaps prayer might become more real and meaningful. As a parent, spontaneous prayer might even afford the opportunity to get to know my children a little better by hearing what they lift up to God in prayer.

Moving forward our bedtime prayers are going to be a lot less routine. Some nights I will think ahead of time about concerns the children have expressed or about things that are on my heart concerning them. At other times we will just wing it, saying whatever is on our hearts. Whether planned ahead of time or spontaneous, our prayers will not follow the same wrote pattern of the past. I look forward to seeing how God responds as my children learn to earnestly seek him.

What do you think and what is involved in your family’s bedtime routine?

Praying for Obstacles in the Life of Your Children

Once when asked what I thought was the most important goal in bringing up children I said, somewhat tongue in cheek, preparing children to get out. I suspect the mom who asked wanted something else. Her response made it sound as if she was somewhat appalled at my answer. I suppose had I said smother them with love, or direct them with strict/less strict discipline she would not have had a problem. Perhaps she was looking for something profound about ways to teach kids to live by faith. All this and more is a part of preparing a child to live on their own, as is one of the most difficult parts of raising children: letting them face difficult challenges as they grow into adults who are ready to handle life on their own.

My sons, both of  whom are very athletic, have faced their share of challenges on and off the field, including a season ending injury suffered by one a few years ago. What we thought would be a short time on the sidelines turned into several months of no activity. This was followed by months of trying to get back into shape. Like any good Christian parent, I prayed for quick healing but the recovery time was anything but quick. I was left struggling with why God would allow an injury of this kind and why we would have to go through such a trial. (Trust me, a child’s injury is a trial for the entire family.) As days turned into weeks and weeks into months, I wondered why God was taking so long to answer.

For the record, I do not believe God causes injuries. I do believe He uses them, and other trials, as tools for growth. And so, though it was a difficult time for us all, I am thankful for what my son learned (not for the injury itself but for the lessons). The list of life lessons learned during his recovery is long, beginning with a lesson in perseverance when the odds turn negative. My son will be a better person because of these lessons. I have already seen them come into play in his young life. Where I wanted a quick recovery, God used the situation in a way I never would have thought of on my own.

I still believe the most important goal in parenting is to prepare children for their future when they will no longer live at home. There is a lot involved in this process, including (for believers in Christ) teaching them about the faith. Those lessons, as well as lessons in how to handle adversity, are not strengthened by sheltering kids or by solving problems for them. God understands this, which I suspect is why when we pray for our children to have a smooth day, God sometimes responds by saying no. Trials and obstacles help build faith. So now, instead of asking God to give my children a great day, I ask God to give them the day they need to become the people He wants them to become, even the obstacles. I ask God to prepare my children to get out.