As A Parent, Saying "No!" Is Easy. What Comes Next Is Hard

I had to say, “No,” a few times over the weekend. It's a word I’ve grown accustomed to after close to two decades of being a parent. In my early years I felt bad when I said that word. It felt like I was failing to meet some need or like I was selfishly rejecting my own offspring. Have you ever felt that way when saying, “No,” to your kids? After spending way too much on Christmas present a few years ago and watching the toy grow cobwebs, I realized a line had to be drawn. "No," became a regular part of my parenting arsenal, one I now use with no regret whatsoever. But while saying no is easy, knowing what to do next is the hard part.

Most of the time my children are (thankfully) ok with the word "no." They leave feeling a bit disappointed but they live. Occasionally they beg or try to ask for the same thing in different way but these attempts are easily dispatched. Every now and then I get a response like what one I got this weekend: sulking and visibly showing frustration over not getting their own way. This is something that comes with the territory of raising a teen and a preteen. Knowing how to handle this kind of response is where parents earn their stripes.

My mom would have gotten angry. Based on comments made by relatives and older friends over the years, my mom's response was once considered the norm. A few years ago it would have been the norm in my household as well. But then I looked at my goals as a parent and found they were not being met.

So I changed tactics. No I do not try to become philosophical nor do I speak to my children as if they are my friends. I do however ask them, “What’s going on?” From there we talk about more appropriate ways to handle disappointments and the difference between that and feeling frustrated. What used to lead to a confrontation now becomes a teachable moment.

I put this out there not to brag but to ask how other parents handle what comes after the word "No." If you are a parent do you find it easy to say "no"? How do you handle the moment after the "no" has been delivered?